Change

Yesterday early morning, I took my dog back to the vet because she had the oncology report.  The results were that the cancer was in her lymph nodes and leukemia (which is why she was so severely anemic). She had 2-4 weeks to live.  :(   The worst decision I have ever had to make was smack in my face.  Chemotherapy was an option, but not a good one because of the anemia. It might extend her life 1 yr, but no guarantee plus the complication of being an older dog.  Steroids were the next option, but on them she still only had 4-12 weeks.  Thursday night and Friday night, Suzy had been struggling to get her breath.  She would wake up and cry, and try to get a new position to breathe, and then pant like it was 100 degrees in our apartment.  I couldn't take her suffering at ALL, let alone 4-12 more weeks.


So I told the vet that the decision I came to was to put her down. :(   Goes against every fiber of my "mother" instinct, as much as a human can have one to a dog.  Horrible.  And yet I know, and was reassured by so many at the vet's office, that this was the best choice for Suzy.  I can't imagine her decline of organ by organ failing, the pain, the struggle for the absolute basic activities.   I kept apologizing to Suzy, not because I was sorry for the decision, but I was just sorry for the flippin situation.  Doing the loving action can be the hardest thing on earth to do, and this is my dog, not even another human, let alone the God of the universe letting His son die. Blows me away looking at it from this new perspective.


I cried hard in my car after for a while, but then had my little niece's 3rd birthday party.  :)   I didn't wear makeup, or even go outside by for 2 minutes, but I was there, and I loved on her, and it was the best thing possible after such a hard moment the hours before.   When I came home yesterday evening, I threw all of Suzy's stuff away.  Just seeing it around the apt made me feel like I would fall apart.  I made a CVS order of photos, picked them up and made a photo album just of Suzy.  :)   I made one of the pictures a big 8x10 and put it in a frame.    


She was such a great friend. The definition of my sidekick.  I really miss her.

And now to try to do adult life with out her... will be a strange new change.  I have alot coming up in the next  3 weeks,  Thursday is the orthopedic surgeon to hopefully be able to get rid of the boot cast and resume normal activities, next Monday is the consultation with the oral surgeon to schedule the jaw procedure, which I can't wait for because I am SO over having my jaw shut and having a migraine unless I take prescription pain killers.  Then another Dr appt at the end of next week, and then, finally the rheumatologist.  I can't wait to talk to the rheumatologist to see what the heck is going on.  I have been having joint pain in my elbows, praying its just a weird quirk that goes away.


There will be lots to distract me in this coming month.  Plus if I get the green light to resume normal activities on Thursday, I will be training like crazy.  I have essentially had to cease normal life since Oct bc of the broken foot.  Most of my muscles have seriously atrophied. I will begin the "kick my own rear" process of getting back into shape.  yikes.   and, finally!!!   God has been the best comforter and made this whole process with Suzy go the best it possible could for the situation.  I am so thankful.  Change sucks, regardless, but, He is faithful, and so hooray for making it to the next step.