Change

Yesterday early morning, I took my dog back to the vet because she had the oncology report.  The results were that the cancer was in her lymph nodes and leukemia (which is why she was so severely anemic). She had 2-4 weeks to live.  :(   The worst decision I have ever had to make was smack in my face.  Chemotherapy was an option, but not a good one because of the anemia. It might extend her life 1 yr, but no guarantee plus the complication of being an older dog.  Steroids were the next option, but on them she still only had 4-12 weeks.  Thursday night and Friday night, Suzy had been struggling to get her breath.  She would wake up and cry, and try to get a new position to breathe, and then pant like it was 100 degrees in our apartment.  I couldn't take her suffering at ALL, let alone 4-12 more weeks.


So I told the vet that the decision I came to was to put her down. :(   Goes against every fiber of my "mother" instinct, as much as a human can have one to a dog.  Horrible.  And yet I know, and was reassured by so many at the vet's office, that this was the best choice for Suzy.  I can't imagine her decline of organ by organ failing, the pain, the struggle for the absolute basic activities.   I kept apologizing to Suzy, not because I was sorry for the decision, but I was just sorry for the flippin situation.  Doing the loving action can be the hardest thing on earth to do, and this is my dog, not even another human, let alone the God of the universe letting His son die. Blows me away looking at it from this new perspective.


I cried hard in my car after for a while, but then had my little niece's 3rd birthday party.  :)   I didn't wear makeup, or even go outside by for 2 minutes, but I was there, and I loved on her, and it was the best thing possible after such a hard moment the hours before.   When I came home yesterday evening, I threw all of Suzy's stuff away.  Just seeing it around the apt made me feel like I would fall apart.  I made a CVS order of photos, picked them up and made a photo album just of Suzy.  :)   I made one of the pictures a big 8x10 and put it in a frame.    


She was such a great friend. The definition of my sidekick.  I really miss her.

And now to try to do adult life with out her... will be a strange new change.  I have alot coming up in the next  3 weeks,  Thursday is the orthopedic surgeon to hopefully be able to get rid of the boot cast and resume normal activities, next Monday is the consultation with the oral surgeon to schedule the jaw procedure, which I can't wait for because I am SO over having my jaw shut and having a migraine unless I take prescription pain killers.  Then another Dr appt at the end of next week, and then, finally the rheumatologist.  I can't wait to talk to the rheumatologist to see what the heck is going on.  I have been having joint pain in my elbows, praying its just a weird quirk that goes away.


There will be lots to distract me in this coming month.  Plus if I get the green light to resume normal activities on Thursday, I will be training like crazy.  I have essentially had to cease normal life since Oct bc of the broken foot.  Most of my muscles have seriously atrophied. I will begin the "kick my own rear" process of getting back into shape.  yikes.   and, finally!!!   God has been the best comforter and made this whole process with Suzy go the best it possible could for the situation.  I am so thankful.  Change sucks, regardless, but, He is faithful, and so hooray for making it to the next step.

Heartbreak

I was so wrong. I was going to run Suzy by the vet for a quick discussion about her leg muscles that seemed to be failing. 3 hours later, I am driving home realizing what I just heard from the vet.  While getting an exam, the Dr found a mass, and saw that her gums were very pale.  She did some blood work and took a sample from the mass to send off to the oncology lab.   The blood work showed Suzy has extreme anemia, so the exertion from going up the stairs caused her to collapse for lack of oxygen/red blood cells!  Other blood work showed very high white blood cell count, and some other red flags.

I took her home, and later that night had a total meltdown.  I went up to her sobbing and started thanking her for all the things she has given me.  Things like: 1- a good morning kiss, sometimes a good morning belly flop to keep it real.  2- a welcome home reception every time I walked in the door.  3- a concerned tear wiper (aka licking my cheeks) when I cry. 4- a great alarm system, esp when I went through a hard phase of trauma and was much more afraid of night  5- a seriously great travel buddy 6- someone who listened to me explain all the boring details of contracts, civ pro, criminal etc. for 3 years.  7- Bar Exam companion in the hotel room with me for 3 days  8- excellent soccer player (I would win if I could kick it past her in the goal. She stopped it most the time!)  9- exercise motivator (great leg work out climbing stairs 3 times a day to take her out from a 2nd or 3rd story apt)  10- so much love.

I took most of today off from work to spend with her at the Gulf Coast Vet Hospital.  They did an abdominal ultrasound, and saw swollen lymphnode masses all over her, even in her lungs.  Her regular vet didn't have the oncology lab result back to tell me if it was benign or malignant until late today (though when I heard how many there were, its kinda a no brainer);  she left a voicemail saying we needed to come in tomorrow to talk.

So, tomorrow I will take my strikingly beautiful white dog with the sweetest disposition back to the vet to talk about how we can "make her more comfortable" as the dr put it.

I know it won't always be so hard, but at the moment I cannot even imagine getting another dog. It hurts way too much to lose your side-kick.

My dog Suzy

Last night, my mom drove into town for my niece's 3rd birthday. She brought my dog Suzy along to bring her back to me.   When I had the 2nd right foot surgery, the surgeon said no walking for 6 weeks. I live on the second floor, and so to let Suzy go out, I have to walk her down the stairs and back up on a leash a few times a day.   My roommate and friends helped me out the first 2 weeks, but it got to where I needed a solution for the full remaining month. My mom was in town back then for my nephew's birthday, so she took Suzy which I am so thankful for!

I was so happy to have her back last night, I played peekaboo with the car and gate and I was coming out to get her, she kept looking like, wait, is that my mom?!  

We went upstairs (I can walk now, just in the boot one more week and then should be totally back to normal foot wise!)  and as we got to the top of the stairs, she started stumbling. By the time we were 3 more feet on the bridge, she fell over sideways.  She tried to get up and kept falling. Then tried again and literally did the splits.  I freaked out, but thought it Might be because she was in a car a long time?  That or I would be taking her to the vet first thing in the morning if she is still stumbling while walking. 

She stopped stumbling, and we had a nice night. This morning I took her out, no prob going down the stairs, but going up was a struggle for her, and when we got to the top she flung herself sideways into the wall and just stayed down, panting and drooling heavily.  I think that means she is in pain.  I held her head, and spoke soothingly, but she couldn't move for a bit. She tried to get up, and I picked her back legs up and put them in position, and slowly we made it back to the apartment door.

:(  I think I have to say goodbye to my sweet dog and let her live with my mom in the country where there aren't any stairs. I want to say I am confident in my ability to carry her up and down the stairs, but my foot Just healed from being broken for 9 months, plus in a year I need it on my left foot.  And, besides that, *sigh*  what is really the best for Sue?  My mom said she was sooo happy exploring outside (my mom has a massively big backyard all fenced in for dog exploration enjoyment), and was sticking right by my mom's side when inside.   Ugh, I want her end years to be really good happy ones, she is 12.5 yrs old. I think the loving thing to do is let her go.  Plus, I would be lying if I didn't say that the added stress of worrying about her would probably put me over the edge emotionally with all my health issues going on right now.

She will have a ton of fun, and I will visit and say hello to her on the phone.  New phase of life all over the place. I got Suzy when I was 23.  She went Everywhere with me (including the hotel to take the Bar Exam!!) Now I am 30 and ready for a 30 yr old's life, and so maybe if it had to happen, a gift is the timing of it all. I love her so much, she is such a stinker ;)  so beautiful. I have been given a wonderful gift in that dog. 

Reality

I'm sorry if this makes you gag, but.... I keep having the Katy Perry song "Wide Awake" run in my head. Not because I think she is a musical genius, but the song has a way of sticking with you on repeat, and one of the lyric lines I like is 'I'm wide awake, yeah I am born again, out of the lions den...'  No clue if she is a Christian, but this song fits very well with waking up to the reality of the schemes of satan, the world, flesh.

So, know that Katy Perry is the background music in my head to this post :) 

I want to be in a place where I can see things clearly, for what they really are, and accept life on life's terms. Does anyone else have trouble balancing between hope, which is excellent, and acceptance of the present? I don't mean to be so "all or nothing", but it is something I struggle with. I feel like to really accept the here and now, I have to let go of believing it is about to change.  An example: my jaw surgery.  I know when I pray for my jaw to unlock, I ask God in full belief of His ability to do it, and that it will be done. Yet still knowing it might not be done, because it might not be His will. But still hoping it will be done. There is an anxiety that comes in me when I think about hoping it will be done, because, shocker, I then get my hopes up, and if it doesn't happen, I am dissapointed. Can I alleviate the dissapointment later by accepting the reality now, and not get my hopes up?  Does hoping God will do something mean something other than "getting my hopes up"?  I have been told many times to not come into an experience with others with expectations to things in life, but yet we are to come not only with expectations, but with full belief in them when presenting requests to God.    Right? 

I don't know the answer.  I don't know that I ever will know the answer.   Here is what I know.  #1- I 100% believe God CAN open my jaw.  #2- I 100% believe whatever the outcome, it is for my best.   #3- I 100% believe I, as a human on earth, might not get the privilege of understanding how His decision was my best.   #4- I 100% believe in His character, that He is love.

So, am I hopeful of the jaw openning? Honestly I'm not sure. I could say, yes I hope it opens but I'm not betting on it.  Is that a lack of faith?  I have a feeling that it will not open, and I am in full acceptance of the pending surgery.   Would I be elated if it were to open? YES. And thankful for that gift.        Is what I just said inconsistent with the faith of Abraham?

Strong drive

Holy moley... so my headache is much better with the pain relievers, and man has my "driven-ness" I guess you could call it, come back to play!  I realize that part of taking up the cross is taking up the Attitude Jesus had. So frustrating when my nicely atuned worldly desires feel so very entitled. Deep breath, what also has helped me is remembering that any "brilliant" idea I come up with isn't me coming up with it. As if I created my own brain.  I really have no standing to get bent out of shape.

The devotion below is from today's morning excerpt from Charles Spurgeon. Applies in many aspects of my life right now.

Exodus 14:13

Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord.

These words contain God's command to the believer when he is reduced to great straits and brought into extraordinary difficulties. He cannot retreat; he cannot go forward; he is shut up on the right hand and on the left; what is he now to do? The Master's word to him is, "Stand still." It will be well for him if at such times he listens only to his Master's word, for other and evil advisers come with their suggestions. Despair whispers, "Lie down and die; give it all up." But God would have us put on a cheerful courage, and even in our worst times, rejoice in His love and faithfulness. Cowardice says, "Retreat; go back to the worldling's way of action; you cannot play the Christian's part, it is too difficult. Relinquish your principles." But, however much Satan may urge this course upon you, you cannot follow it if you are a child of God. His divine fiat has bid thee go from strength to strength, and so thou shalt, and neither death nor hell shall turn thee from thy course. What, if for a while thou art called to stand still, yet this is but to renew thy strength for some greater advance in due time. Precipitancy cries, "do something. Stir yourself; to stand still and wait, is sheer idleness." We must be doing something at once-we must do it so we think-instead of looking to the Lord, who will not only do something but will do everything. Presumption boasts, "If the sea be before you, march into it and expect a miracle." But Faith listens neither to Presumption, nor to Despair, nor to Cowardice, nor to Precipitancy, but it hears God say, "Stand still," and immovable as a rock it stands. "Stand still";-keep the posture of an upright man, ready for action, expecting further orders, cheerfully and patiently awaiting the directing voice; and it will not be long ere God shall say to you, as distinctly as Moses said it to the people of Israel, "Go forward."

NSAID

Today my tmj dr gave me a prescription for NSAID pain relievers for the pain from now till whenever the procedure can happen. I have always heard on commercials the "fine print" about not talking things that interact with NSAIDs. Always curious about them!   When I read the typical warning panel from the pharmacy, there were the usuals, and then instructions not to lie down for 10 minutes after taking the medicine. Ha! Weird!  

Anyway, just another thing I can say I have experienced!  Today I thought I might come home early from work and take a few sick hours, but somehow (by God!) the day went by and on top of that my work got done!  I finished outlining the new rule regarding the definition of a swap. Sounds deceivingly simple! The rule is over 550 pages. :) 

Well, I'm off to plan some of the Imago art group fall retreat.  I fell asleep right after I took the first pain reliever at 7ish,  nothing like a 2.5 hour nap before going to bed ;)

blah

Today is one of those days. I think pain and the feeling of futility go hand in hand many times because it can be so hard to get out of the immediate here and now when something hurts.  I caught myself running through scenarios of staying in bed all day, sleeping all day and night, just existing, a few times today. That is not what I really desire, of course. At all! What I desire to be free from this migraine. Sleeping all day seems to be a way to hibernate through till something else comes later, relief or a better distraction.   The challenge is to keep walking the journey even though. And then I fight that concept, because I am tired and I hurt, and then come to the same conclusion that all I can do is keep walking even though. Circle, but still a circle in motion at least.

First, who knows when it will end, so what a waste of life to give up on a gamble of "soon", too much life to miss out on. Second, it doesn't solve anything. The pain is still there whether I want it to be or not.  Third, it seems to be a big aspect of the human condition.  There is nothing new about the concept of chronic pain. I wonder if Jesus had chronic physical pain? Or a season of it. (obviously the cross).  I wonder if during the pain of the cross, and the whole beating up to it, even in the garden, if Jesus ever got depressed....  Despair beyond hope, of course not, ever. But that feeling of seriously thinking your abilities have been over-estimated. I guess the answer to that is a duh, yes. Because apart from God we can do nothing. So of course  Jesus, and each of us, have felt that.

The trick then is believing that God will renew your strength. We know He can renew our strength, and will every time we ask, that is not the variable.  The variable is if we believe it and act on that belief.  A challenge every single day man, sometimes more than once a day.