Heartbreak

I was so wrong. I was going to run Suzy by the vet for a quick discussion about her leg muscles that seemed to be failing. 3 hours later, I am driving home realizing what I just heard from the vet.  While getting an exam, the Dr found a mass, and saw that her gums were very pale.  She did some blood work and took a sample from the mass to send off to the oncology lab.   The blood work showed Suzy has extreme anemia, so the exertion from going up the stairs caused her to collapse for lack of oxygen/red blood cells!  Other blood work showed very high white blood cell count, and some other red flags.

I took her home, and later that night had a total meltdown.  I went up to her sobbing and started thanking her for all the things she has given me.  Things like: 1- a good morning kiss, sometimes a good morning belly flop to keep it real.  2- a welcome home reception every time I walked in the door.  3- a concerned tear wiper (aka licking my cheeks) when I cry. 4- a great alarm system, esp when I went through a hard phase of trauma and was much more afraid of night  5- a seriously great travel buddy 6- someone who listened to me explain all the boring details of contracts, civ pro, criminal etc. for 3 years.  7- Bar Exam companion in the hotel room with me for 3 days  8- excellent soccer player (I would win if I could kick it past her in the goal. She stopped it most the time!)  9- exercise motivator (great leg work out climbing stairs 3 times a day to take her out from a 2nd or 3rd story apt)  10- so much love.

I took most of today off from work to spend with her at the Gulf Coast Vet Hospital.  They did an abdominal ultrasound, and saw swollen lymphnode masses all over her, even in her lungs.  Her regular vet didn't have the oncology lab result back to tell me if it was benign or malignant until late today (though when I heard how many there were, its kinda a no brainer);  she left a voicemail saying we needed to come in tomorrow to talk.

So, tomorrow I will take my strikingly beautiful white dog with the sweetest disposition back to the vet to talk about how we can "make her more comfortable" as the dr put it.

I know it won't always be so hard, but at the moment I cannot even imagine getting another dog. It hurts way too much to lose your side-kick.