Change

Yesterday early morning, I took my dog back to the vet because she had the oncology report.  The results were that the cancer was in her lymph nodes and leukemia (which is why she was so severely anemic). She had 2-4 weeks to live.  :(   The worst decision I have ever had to make was smack in my face.  Chemotherapy was an option, but not a good one because of the anemia. It might extend her life 1 yr, but no guarantee plus the complication of being an older dog.  Steroids were the next option, but on them she still only had 4-12 weeks.  Thursday night and Friday night, Suzy had been struggling to get her breath.  She would wake up and cry, and try to get a new position to breathe, and then pant like it was 100 degrees in our apartment.  I couldn't take her suffering at ALL, let alone 4-12 more weeks.


So I told the vet that the decision I came to was to put her down. :(   Goes against every fiber of my "mother" instinct, as much as a human can have one to a dog.  Horrible.  And yet I know, and was reassured by so many at the vet's office, that this was the best choice for Suzy.  I can't imagine her decline of organ by organ failing, the pain, the struggle for the absolute basic activities.   I kept apologizing to Suzy, not because I was sorry for the decision, but I was just sorry for the flippin situation.  Doing the loving action can be the hardest thing on earth to do, and this is my dog, not even another human, let alone the God of the universe letting His son die. Blows me away looking at it from this new perspective.


I cried hard in my car after for a while, but then had my little niece's 3rd birthday party.  :)   I didn't wear makeup, or even go outside by for 2 minutes, but I was there, and I loved on her, and it was the best thing possible after such a hard moment the hours before.   When I came home yesterday evening, I threw all of Suzy's stuff away.  Just seeing it around the apt made me feel like I would fall apart.  I made a CVS order of photos, picked them up and made a photo album just of Suzy.  :)   I made one of the pictures a big 8x10 and put it in a frame.    


She was such a great friend. The definition of my sidekick.  I really miss her.

And now to try to do adult life with out her... will be a strange new change.  I have alot coming up in the next  3 weeks,  Thursday is the orthopedic surgeon to hopefully be able to get rid of the boot cast and resume normal activities, next Monday is the consultation with the oral surgeon to schedule the jaw procedure, which I can't wait for because I am SO over having my jaw shut and having a migraine unless I take prescription pain killers.  Then another Dr appt at the end of next week, and then, finally the rheumatologist.  I can't wait to talk to the rheumatologist to see what the heck is going on.  I have been having joint pain in my elbows, praying its just a weird quirk that goes away.


There will be lots to distract me in this coming month.  Plus if I get the green light to resume normal activities on Thursday, I will be training like crazy.  I have essentially had to cease normal life since Oct bc of the broken foot.  Most of my muscles have seriously atrophied. I will begin the "kick my own rear" process of getting back into shape.  yikes.   and, finally!!!   God has been the best comforter and made this whole process with Suzy go the best it possible could for the situation.  I am so thankful.  Change sucks, regardless, but, He is faithful, and so hooray for making it to the next step.

Heartbreak

I was so wrong. I was going to run Suzy by the vet for a quick discussion about her leg muscles that seemed to be failing. 3 hours later, I am driving home realizing what I just heard from the vet.  While getting an exam, the Dr found a mass, and saw that her gums were very pale.  She did some blood work and took a sample from the mass to send off to the oncology lab.   The blood work showed Suzy has extreme anemia, so the exertion from going up the stairs caused her to collapse for lack of oxygen/red blood cells!  Other blood work showed very high white blood cell count, and some other red flags.

I took her home, and later that night had a total meltdown.  I went up to her sobbing and started thanking her for all the things she has given me.  Things like: 1- a good morning kiss, sometimes a good morning belly flop to keep it real.  2- a welcome home reception every time I walked in the door.  3- a concerned tear wiper (aka licking my cheeks) when I cry. 4- a great alarm system, esp when I went through a hard phase of trauma and was much more afraid of night  5- a seriously great travel buddy 6- someone who listened to me explain all the boring details of contracts, civ pro, criminal etc. for 3 years.  7- Bar Exam companion in the hotel room with me for 3 days  8- excellent soccer player (I would win if I could kick it past her in the goal. She stopped it most the time!)  9- exercise motivator (great leg work out climbing stairs 3 times a day to take her out from a 2nd or 3rd story apt)  10- so much love.

I took most of today off from work to spend with her at the Gulf Coast Vet Hospital.  They did an abdominal ultrasound, and saw swollen lymphnode masses all over her, even in her lungs.  Her regular vet didn't have the oncology lab result back to tell me if it was benign or malignant until late today (though when I heard how many there were, its kinda a no brainer);  she left a voicemail saying we needed to come in tomorrow to talk.

So, tomorrow I will take my strikingly beautiful white dog with the sweetest disposition back to the vet to talk about how we can "make her more comfortable" as the dr put it.

I know it won't always be so hard, but at the moment I cannot even imagine getting another dog. It hurts way too much to lose your side-kick.

My dog Suzy

Last night, my mom drove into town for my niece's 3rd birthday. She brought my dog Suzy along to bring her back to me.   When I had the 2nd right foot surgery, the surgeon said no walking for 6 weeks. I live on the second floor, and so to let Suzy go out, I have to walk her down the stairs and back up on a leash a few times a day.   My roommate and friends helped me out the first 2 weeks, but it got to where I needed a solution for the full remaining month. My mom was in town back then for my nephew's birthday, so she took Suzy which I am so thankful for!

I was so happy to have her back last night, I played peekaboo with the car and gate and I was coming out to get her, she kept looking like, wait, is that my mom?!  

We went upstairs (I can walk now, just in the boot one more week and then should be totally back to normal foot wise!)  and as we got to the top of the stairs, she started stumbling. By the time we were 3 more feet on the bridge, she fell over sideways.  She tried to get up and kept falling. Then tried again and literally did the splits.  I freaked out, but thought it Might be because she was in a car a long time?  That or I would be taking her to the vet first thing in the morning if she is still stumbling while walking. 

She stopped stumbling, and we had a nice night. This morning I took her out, no prob going down the stairs, but going up was a struggle for her, and when we got to the top she flung herself sideways into the wall and just stayed down, panting and drooling heavily.  I think that means she is in pain.  I held her head, and spoke soothingly, but she couldn't move for a bit. She tried to get up, and I picked her back legs up and put them in position, and slowly we made it back to the apartment door.

:(  I think I have to say goodbye to my sweet dog and let her live with my mom in the country where there aren't any stairs. I want to say I am confident in my ability to carry her up and down the stairs, but my foot Just healed from being broken for 9 months, plus in a year I need it on my left foot.  And, besides that, *sigh*  what is really the best for Sue?  My mom said she was sooo happy exploring outside (my mom has a massively big backyard all fenced in for dog exploration enjoyment), and was sticking right by my mom's side when inside.   Ugh, I want her end years to be really good happy ones, she is 12.5 yrs old. I think the loving thing to do is let her go.  Plus, I would be lying if I didn't say that the added stress of worrying about her would probably put me over the edge emotionally with all my health issues going on right now.

She will have a ton of fun, and I will visit and say hello to her on the phone.  New phase of life all over the place. I got Suzy when I was 23.  She went Everywhere with me (including the hotel to take the Bar Exam!!) Now I am 30 and ready for a 30 yr old's life, and so maybe if it had to happen, a gift is the timing of it all. I love her so much, she is such a stinker ;)  so beautiful. I have been given a wonderful gift in that dog. 

Reality

I'm sorry if this makes you gag, but.... I keep having the Katy Perry song "Wide Awake" run in my head. Not because I think she is a musical genius, but the song has a way of sticking with you on repeat, and one of the lyric lines I like is 'I'm wide awake, yeah I am born again, out of the lions den...'  No clue if she is a Christian, but this song fits very well with waking up to the reality of the schemes of satan, the world, flesh.

So, know that Katy Perry is the background music in my head to this post :) 

I want to be in a place where I can see things clearly, for what they really are, and accept life on life's terms. Does anyone else have trouble balancing between hope, which is excellent, and acceptance of the present? I don't mean to be so "all or nothing", but it is something I struggle with. I feel like to really accept the here and now, I have to let go of believing it is about to change.  An example: my jaw surgery.  I know when I pray for my jaw to unlock, I ask God in full belief of His ability to do it, and that it will be done. Yet still knowing it might not be done, because it might not be His will. But still hoping it will be done. There is an anxiety that comes in me when I think about hoping it will be done, because, shocker, I then get my hopes up, and if it doesn't happen, I am dissapointed. Can I alleviate the dissapointment later by accepting the reality now, and not get my hopes up?  Does hoping God will do something mean something other than "getting my hopes up"?  I have been told many times to not come into an experience with others with expectations to things in life, but yet we are to come not only with expectations, but with full belief in them when presenting requests to God.    Right? 

I don't know the answer.  I don't know that I ever will know the answer.   Here is what I know.  #1- I 100% believe God CAN open my jaw.  #2- I 100% believe whatever the outcome, it is for my best.   #3- I 100% believe I, as a human on earth, might not get the privilege of understanding how His decision was my best.   #4- I 100% believe in His character, that He is love.

So, am I hopeful of the jaw openning? Honestly I'm not sure. I could say, yes I hope it opens but I'm not betting on it.  Is that a lack of faith?  I have a feeling that it will not open, and I am in full acceptance of the pending surgery.   Would I be elated if it were to open? YES. And thankful for that gift.        Is what I just said inconsistent with the faith of Abraham?

Strong drive

Holy moley... so my headache is much better with the pain relievers, and man has my "driven-ness" I guess you could call it, come back to play!  I realize that part of taking up the cross is taking up the Attitude Jesus had. So frustrating when my nicely atuned worldly desires feel so very entitled. Deep breath, what also has helped me is remembering that any "brilliant" idea I come up with isn't me coming up with it. As if I created my own brain.  I really have no standing to get bent out of shape.

The devotion below is from today's morning excerpt from Charles Spurgeon. Applies in many aspects of my life right now.

Exodus 14:13

Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord.

These words contain God's command to the believer when he is reduced to great straits and brought into extraordinary difficulties. He cannot retreat; he cannot go forward; he is shut up on the right hand and on the left; what is he now to do? The Master's word to him is, "Stand still." It will be well for him if at such times he listens only to his Master's word, for other and evil advisers come with their suggestions. Despair whispers, "Lie down and die; give it all up." But God would have us put on a cheerful courage, and even in our worst times, rejoice in His love and faithfulness. Cowardice says, "Retreat; go back to the worldling's way of action; you cannot play the Christian's part, it is too difficult. Relinquish your principles." But, however much Satan may urge this course upon you, you cannot follow it if you are a child of God. His divine fiat has bid thee go from strength to strength, and so thou shalt, and neither death nor hell shall turn thee from thy course. What, if for a while thou art called to stand still, yet this is but to renew thy strength for some greater advance in due time. Precipitancy cries, "do something. Stir yourself; to stand still and wait, is sheer idleness." We must be doing something at once-we must do it so we think-instead of looking to the Lord, who will not only do something but will do everything. Presumption boasts, "If the sea be before you, march into it and expect a miracle." But Faith listens neither to Presumption, nor to Despair, nor to Cowardice, nor to Precipitancy, but it hears God say, "Stand still," and immovable as a rock it stands. "Stand still";-keep the posture of an upright man, ready for action, expecting further orders, cheerfully and patiently awaiting the directing voice; and it will not be long ere God shall say to you, as distinctly as Moses said it to the people of Israel, "Go forward."

NSAID

Today my tmj dr gave me a prescription for NSAID pain relievers for the pain from now till whenever the procedure can happen. I have always heard on commercials the "fine print" about not talking things that interact with NSAIDs. Always curious about them!   When I read the typical warning panel from the pharmacy, there were the usuals, and then instructions not to lie down for 10 minutes after taking the medicine. Ha! Weird!  

Anyway, just another thing I can say I have experienced!  Today I thought I might come home early from work and take a few sick hours, but somehow (by God!) the day went by and on top of that my work got done!  I finished outlining the new rule regarding the definition of a swap. Sounds deceivingly simple! The rule is over 550 pages. :) 

Well, I'm off to plan some of the Imago art group fall retreat.  I fell asleep right after I took the first pain reliever at 7ish,  nothing like a 2.5 hour nap before going to bed ;)

blah

Today is one of those days. I think pain and the feeling of futility go hand in hand many times because it can be so hard to get out of the immediate here and now when something hurts.  I caught myself running through scenarios of staying in bed all day, sleeping all day and night, just existing, a few times today. That is not what I really desire, of course. At all! What I desire to be free from this migraine. Sleeping all day seems to be a way to hibernate through till something else comes later, relief or a better distraction.   The challenge is to keep walking the journey even though. And then I fight that concept, because I am tired and I hurt, and then come to the same conclusion that all I can do is keep walking even though. Circle, but still a circle in motion at least.

First, who knows when it will end, so what a waste of life to give up on a gamble of "soon", too much life to miss out on. Second, it doesn't solve anything. The pain is still there whether I want it to be or not.  Third, it seems to be a big aspect of the human condition.  There is nothing new about the concept of chronic pain. I wonder if Jesus had chronic physical pain? Or a season of it. (obviously the cross).  I wonder if during the pain of the cross, and the whole beating up to it, even in the garden, if Jesus ever got depressed....  Despair beyond hope, of course not, ever. But that feeling of seriously thinking your abilities have been over-estimated. I guess the answer to that is a duh, yes. Because apart from God we can do nothing. So of course  Jesus, and each of us, have felt that.

The trick then is believing that God will renew your strength. We know He can renew our strength, and will every time we ask, that is not the variable.  The variable is if we believe it and act on that belief.  A challenge every single day man, sometimes more than once a day.

various

Ahhh yay for massages! I went to the Houston School of Massage, one hour for only $30, no tips allowed! And no talking except about the massage.  Excellent.  The person I had was really good on top of it. My jaw is still locked but it was actually really helpful with my legs, since my right leg has atrophied so much and my left leg is super tight!  

I went to the acupuncture appointment but, dude, my appt was at 12. By 12:50, there were 3 people still ahead of me. They seemed so chaotic, I didn't feel like I wanted needles put in my head by distracted people. So I left :) I'll try another time another place. 

So I will just keep waiting, trying to keep my mind renewed that this migraine isn't forever, this jaw lock isn't forever. This pain isn't forever. 

On a completely different note, I was reading Hebrews this morning and read this- Heb 10:39 "But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."  What a challenge, to not shrink back. I want to take Him up on it!  In light of that, I am officially saying that I am yielding to anything God wants to do regarding writing a book about His amazing rescue. You know what I'm talking about, and if not, you will have to wait and see ;)   I'll give teasers here and there. How long can you say no or wait or yes, but then not do any action? As long as you can take the Holy Spirit's insistence :) 

The kitchen sink

I woke up this morning with my head killing me, but, a slight bit of mobility increase in my jaw!  It hurt like crazy, but it was movement.  It locked right back up about 5 minutes later.... but this got me thinking that it is a blessing that the oral surgeon's first available is Aug 6th.   I have 2 weeks to do everything possible, because what if it opens the whole way!? 

So, I booked a massage appointment Sat morning, and an acupuncture (they take BCBS insurance!) appointment Sat afternoon.  I will book another massage appointment next Wed probably (bc if its not better by the 3rd, its too late to cancel the oral surgeon) and try to book 1-3 more acupuncture visits before the 3rd of Aug.   I am also going to ask for a prescription of muscle relaxers.  I get they only put a bandaid on the problem, but if it gets it to open, and then we can address the underlying issue, awesome. Anything is better than needles, scopes, and flushing in the joint attached to my skull! In the end, God is in control and I trust Him 100%, come what may! I will take Him up on the command to be wise as a serpent though. :)   Below are the potential side effects I would love to not even play the game with:

Temporary or permanent facial muscle weakness resulting from motor nerve injury during the injection.  The most common problem resulting is the inability to wrinkle the brow, raise the eyebrow or gain tight closure of the eyelids.

Numbness (temporary or permanent) of certain areas of skin in the region of the joint and sometimes in more remote areas of the face or scalp.

Bleeding within the joint which cannot be adequately controlled and could require immediate intervention by open joint surgery.

Ear problems, including inflammation of the canal, middle or inner ear infections, perforation of the ear drum and temporary or permanent hearing loss.

Instrument separation which may require open joint surgery.

Facial scarring from the entry injection.

Damage to the joint surface during the arthrocentesis or needle procedure, usually of a reversible nature but which could permanently affect joint function.

Unsuccessful entry into the joint or inability to accomplish the desired procedure because of limited motion of the joint or scarring.

Worsening of present TMJ symptoms which may require repeat arthrocentesis, arthroscopy or open joint surgery.

Changes in the bite after arthrocentesis which may affect chewing functions.  In addition, there may be temporary or permanent limited mouth opening.

locked and waiting

I haven't heard back from the oral surgeon's office yet to see if they can squeeze me in.  Ahhh I really hope so, Aug 6th is 2.5 weeks...   In the mean time, I have started letting go of trying to live my life to the same level before the onset of the migraine from this lock.  I have a hard time focusing on anything, ironically other than Dodd-Frank.  Praise God for that, as if reading the Federal Register weren't a sleeper enough in the first place, I can't imagine not having the bizare love for trade reform and still having to summarize rules.

Point is, I am starting to say no more, because I can't concentrate enough to do much! Big decisions, big conversations, etc are all just put on hold till I am migraineless. Even if that means 2.5 more weeks of this. On the upside, Dr. Moya seems to be very very reputable! There are only a handful, if that many, of oral surgeons that do arthroscopy because its expensive equipment and rare to need it.  Yay .1%'ers!

All the health issues to one cause? Background

When I was a kid, I got very sick. I was about 9. My fever would get really high, and then all I remember is immense pain in different joints to where I couldn't use them. The pain would be in one set of joints one episode, then another the next etc.  I remember going to the grocery store with my mom and brother one time, and I was fine on the way there and while in the store. But when we got back in the car, and I climbed in the back seat, I felt it coming on. My mom had to hit the breaks for something, and I fell on the floor in between my seat and the back of the front seats.  It was so fast, just like that I couldn't use my arms or legs.  When we got home, we had to get our neighbor to come pick me up out of the car and put me on the couch inside. I remember hoping he put me in a position to be able to see the tv without moving :)  he did.  

Fastforward to me turning 30.  MAN.  Things have been building up slowly, but about a month before I turned 30 it all went south.  My feet and jaw joints gave out and became very painful. Surgery to break and correct 3 joints in my right foot happened in Oct.  2 joints with just metal screws healed fine, the main one with the metal plate and screws in it did not. After about 7 months of a broken foot, I had bone graft surgery in May.  So far so good healing wise, will find out in 2 more weeks.

At the same time, this spring I was denied the muscle relaxers that seemed to be the only thing that worked at getting my jaw unlocked. My dentist said we were at the point where its just covering over the main issue and I needed to see a TMJ specialist. So I did. We started the regimen, which included an overlay of fake teeth over all my lower teeth in a non-removable (but not permanent) fixed place.  It locked.  Dr took it out and it unlocked, and then he tried again this time over correcting it and scaling it back slowly.  It was fine for a while, but then locked again. That was 5-6 weeks ago, and it hasn't unlocked. After massage, ice pack, heat, numbing shots with him manually trying to open it more than once, TENS'ing (trans-cutaneous electroneural stimulation or something), soft food diets, spiritual meditation on God/breathing, we are at a point where I will see ASAP an oral surgeon to do arthrosentesis. I'll explain more later.

So, with all this going on, I got curious about the disease I had. It had been named Palestine Fever, but it was never understood and remained a mystery disease. Since it hurt my joints back in the day, and it seems weird to be the less than 1% of the population that has such extreme cases of arthritis and joint issues at age 30, I figured there might be a connection. So I looked up the original doctors.  Below is my letter to them...




Dr.,

My name is Meagan, and I was one of the children who was thought to have
caught Palestine Fever in 1990. My mother gave permission for Scott and
White hospital to keep my blood for further research.  The main hospital
that treated me was Santa Rosa in San Antonio. I had visited my
grandparents in Palestine TX just before becoming ill.  I hope you don't
mind me contacting you; I saw your name as one of the main doctors who
worked on that disease.  I was wondering if there had been any further
understanding about the disease... particularly long term side effects
if any.
The reason I am asking is that I am now 30, and have significant joint
issues in my jaw and feet.  3 disfigured joints in each foot, and
severe TMJ in each side of my jaw.  I have had one foot surgery to
correct the joints in the right foot, and will need the same in the
left.  When I got a second opinion, the surgeon said "it is clear you
did not have surgery for vanity, anyone who looks at your xray would see
you are in pain from arthritis." That made me wonder if there are either
long term continual effects that have been discovered, or the
degradation done at the time of the disease that has been revealed as
possible, causing these issues now. The way the disease manifested in me
back then was a spike in fever, and then the inability to move a joint
or group of joints.  The pain and immobility would move from joint to
joint.  The joint issues and concerns for arthritis are what really
grabbed my attention with the issues I am having today.  I have had the
issues since I was a child, but they have increased in severity to where
I find myself now.  I also see a TMJ specialist, who is trying to help
my jaw joints realign by changing my bite through orthodontics, but the
muscles locking in place has been a challenge to this goal.
        I am not sure what further information is available. The only
information I have is what came up in a google search on Palestine
Fever.  I am not even sure if it would make any difference at all for me
today, but I am curious and feel it would bring a sense of
understanding.  It might all be one big coincidence, but on the chance
that it is not I would love any information you could provide.  If you
are not the correct person to be asking, would you mind pointing me in
the right direction?  I have included my personal email account in the
To: section; I was not sure if .gov automatically filtered yahoo mail as
spam.

Thank you for your time, very much---




Well, all 3 doctors I looked up said basically the same thing- we still don't know anything about the disease. 2 of the doctors said that my current issues could very well still be an issue with it continuing or a side effect of the degradation done at the time. I was told surgery is the only way to correct this type of joint disfigurement, because back in 1990 they didn't have the tools they have now to be able to be more proactively aggressive with degradation like it was manifesting.  

Sooooo thats the story. That is why it has seemed like I send out prayer requests every other week with a new complication :)    I'm excited to have this blog because I will have a place to update as things go on.  And I am still on the hunt, this disease might still have some secrets that can be discovered!  Somehow...

Explanation

I created this blog mainly for me to have a place to write about things in life. I am not good at writing in an actual journal, facebook isn't the right set up forum, and I think I have flooded enough email/text inboxes this year to last 10. :)  So, a blog it is!    Mainly it has been health issues this year that has been a massive hiccup in my attempt to have life calm down.  I don't know why its like a comedy of errors, but at least it is quite entertaining.