roller coaster

At some point repeating the phrase "I can't wait for things to get back to normal" becomes the new normal. I try to keep my expectations in check, surrender the outcome to God, remember the bigger perspective.  It is not easy. Eh, all that means right now is that I am starting to get exasperated about my jaw.  The arthrocentesis was this past Wed.  It went as expected, I woke up as expected, I have taken all muscle relaxers and steroids as instructed.   While I was out during the procedure, the surgeon got it open. He said it opened with a very loud pop.  On my own, I have yet to be able to get it open again.   exasperated. 

Despite a lot of muscle relaxers, that always have worked till now, there is a painful point where it will go no farther. ((I have forgone the Vicodin after 3 pills this round, advil instead, because weaning my body off the side effects of Vicodin doesn't sound like a fun add into this mix)).  I have put ice packs as instructed, then heat packs as instructed, stretched it, tried to push through the pain, and I cannot get the joint to extend.  I asked the surgeon about this on Wed night when he called to check on me. He said it was not unreasonable for it to not open the night of, because he had put a lot of fluid in the joint which needed time to absorb, and the muscles were swollen/sore.  He said to stretch it, use heat, and it should open.  If not we will talk about it Wed at my follow up.    

Its Sunday night, I have one more muscle relaxer to take, tomorrow morning, and then I am done with the 3 a day sets.  I have 3 more steroid pills to take, 2 tomorrow and 1 Tuesday, and then I am done with all the prescribed medicine for this last go-round.  I am gearing up for the possibility that it will not open by Wed morning at my follow up with the surgeon, and that I will have to "give it time".  Or, have arthroscopy.  Either way, my hope for everything to fall back into place like it was before even the foot surgery this fall is gone now. I have decided to give it up.  I am simply readjusting my definition of what normal is for me now. This last year of extracting out, stripping out, so many of the activities I would run around doing has become a shift of how I function rather than a season of rest. Maybe I am not made to handle a lot of stress in my life, so my new normal is to live in a way that reduces as much stress as possible (like taking naps, and only having 2 new things on the calendar per week, and keeping my apt clean). Lord knows I have had my absolute fair share of serious stress in life, maybe I tapped out.  

One thing I know is this, and the surgeon told this to me quite clearly!...  My jaw, as I have been living, (ie chewing normal food, crunchy, chewy stuff etc) has lost 25 years of life.  I am not joking.  He flipped a lid when he saw my age, and repeated over and over that I am too young for this, looked me right in the eyes and said "ppl come in with where your jaw is right now when they are in their mid fifties. I do not know if your jaw will last your life."    So something has to change. I HAVE to redefine my normal. Not just in eating only soft food, but in taking it easy even when I feel like I could handle more.  God's got this.