grief

If you know me well, you know that I am not one to shy away from my "darker" expressions.  Darker like intense grief emoted in a healthy way, of course. That is the difference between me today and me 8 yrs ago.  8 yrs ago I didn't have the maturity to deal with the intensity of pain, grief, sorrow, loss, betrayal.  It felt like my life situations were too "adult" for my 22 yr old self. God made me as a pure ball of joy, mixed in with quite a bit of sunshine :)   I was not made for this current world and the intensity of how evil it can be, how broken it can be.  I am forever thankful that God walked me through that growing up time to handle it to where I am today.   Which, brings me to the topic of grief.... grieving is so healthy, even if it raises fears in ppl watching the person grieving.  I have a wide array of emotions about this current physical struggle with rheumatoid arthritis.  Can I grieve the diagnosis, the brokenness of my physical body, in a healthy and beneficial way?  Absolutely yes. That is what I am endeavoring to do right now.  I want to, Have to, express the grief or else I feel stuffed, confined, very discontent and not heard or understood.  I have a huge desire to be heard and understood, for a litany of reasons, but needless to say it is my #2 after the need for love.
            So how am I going to express, "emote"  (someone is the daughter of a counselor ;)  ) this grief you ask?  Tonight it is painting my nails black. Before you roll your eyes, realize how cathartic something like painting nails or dying hair can be. It is a physical expression of internal feelings that brings no physical harm nor is permanent... excellent!  Think back to 100s of years ago. When someone died, the family, esp the wife, wore black. Not just to the funeral, for days and weeks until in some situations her father told her it was time to put mourning clothes away.   That is deep expression of a painful loss... it is hard to pretend all is well when you are wearing all black.  It is hard for others to gloss over life when they see you in all black. Why are we so afraid of grief today?
             I do not want to be in so much pain every day. I do not want to have needed and have had 3 joint surgeries in less than a year, still needing another but dealing with daily pain so I can live somewhat "normally" for a while.  I do not want to worry about infections every time someone coughs around me because I am injecting myself with a substance that kills my immune system.  Do I have hope in God? YES.  Do I believe in His sovereignty, His love, His light, His healing abilities?  YES YES YES YES.  Do I, as the human God made me, need to grieve this pain and loss of some life ability?  Yes.  What would Jesus do? Cry.  He cried, appropriately.
           So my nails are black. And I am walking through this storm with God... more like He is shielding me, with His arms around me as this "unfair, unfortunate, devastating and undesired" hurricane continues to pound against us.  He could command it to cease the instant he gave the thought, but.... I want faith that is beyond the disciples in the boat with the storm. I guess God knows that!